sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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