She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You left your phone here
Wait...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
