there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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