We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
COCAINE IS GR8
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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