I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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