Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
