Your face is a jimmy john
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
