So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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