ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
