pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
