May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
