eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
