i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
