Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
