And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
