i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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