i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
