You can't motorboat a personality
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
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I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
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And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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