I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
