I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
