census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
