Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
