I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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