i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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