note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
