you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
