so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
