Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
