I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
