I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
