Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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