I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
