i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
