This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
