You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
