hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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