Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
