Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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