i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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