my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex