Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So vagazzling was a success
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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