dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"