The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
