I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
