apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
