Whod you bang
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
