my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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