Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
