can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
