Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
