If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
