Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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