Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
