So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
