paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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