She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
