OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
