If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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