Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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